When loved ones pass away or an elderly family member is infirm, it is an extremely stressful time for those left in the wake. The last thing anyone wants to think about is how to deal with the accumulation of "stuff" left behind. Every day approximately forty-eight hundred baby boomers become middle-aged orphans when their elderly parents pass away, leaving behind much more than just memories. And they are unprepared for the battles ahead.
There are many challenges that will come for the Boomer children, especially the female boomer. But one that comes as fast as a flying brick, is when a parent passes away and the children are left to handle all the details. Often these details include the will (if there is one and its location), finances, legal matters, bills, medical information, dealing with the home and its contents, etc.
Unfortunately these details do not come with an instruction manual and the matter becomes worse because mom and dad may not have discussed their final plans and wishes with their children. At times, the male child either does not know how to handle the situation, or is in a form of denial, which places additional pressure on the female child or spouse. This breakdown or lack of communication is what causes so many problems for the boomer children after their parents pass away. Our parents were known as the “silent generation,” and it is up to us, the children, to openly and lovingly communicate with our parents while they can still mentally and physically offer us directions if we are to avoid the many pitfalls that await the heirs.
Boomer children in general often are located far away from mom and dad and must travel extensively back and forth to handle the estate, take time off work and leave their own families to deal with it. Very often, the children fly into town and handle the estate in haste, and this is where problems occur. For those families who have talked about end of life issues, and pre-planned for their passing, it becomes a much easier path for the loved ones left behind. For those who have not had any communication, the road will be quite challenging.
It is awkward, to say the least, when we get to a place where mom and dad need our assistance and we are pushed into role reversal which we are not comfortable with. All our lives, they have parented us, and suddenly we are making decisions for them. I have often seen guilt and indecision follow a child when mom and dad have not prepared for themselves, because they are uncertain that the decisions they have made are the correct decisions.
But the biggest challenge is when the children walk into their parents’ homes feeling completely overwhelmed by the accumulation of “stuff.” Because this generation rarely threw anything away, the children are left to dissolve the estate, often with consequences.
For example, most children do not know the truth worth of their parent’s home’s contents. What they believed to be of value, due to generations of family stories, is often inflated and inaccurate. By the same token, items the children feel are “junk” are often worth far more than they ever realized.
Such was the case when I recently walked through a home with the executor. There were a few laundry baskets piled high with stuff and I asked him what these baskets were. He simply replied that the items in the baskets were going to Goodwill because everything in them was “ugly.” It didn’t take me but a moment to recognize the extremely rare vases sitting on top of a pile. “This vase may be ugly to you, but it’s worth at least $25,000. Are you sure you want it to go to Goodwill now?” I said with a smile on my face. Several weeks later, both vases sold for nearly $60,000.. It pays to know what you have before you dispose of it in any manner. It is also pretty amazing what we find in family dumpsters!
Hiring a personal property appraiser may cost a little upfront, but should be considered an inexpensive insurance policy that you are not giving away items that are worth a fortune. It happens more than you know. The same is true for mom and dad if they would like to know the values ahead of time to help them decide what heirlooms should be given and what they are worth in order to keep their choices financially equitable among their heirs. This in turn will help minimize future fighting as well, because mom and dad have made their decisions and siblings should respect their choices. Ultimately, this issue is about honoring mom and dad’s final wishes, and has little to do with what we want. Sometimes our parents do not want to make these choices because they are afraid they will upset their children. And so, we have a continuing cycle that will not get broken unless someone changes the pattern.
In my work of helping seniors and their children by appraising the worth of their personal property or liquidating it, I see examples of unsavory human behavior during the process sometimes from family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. In dealing with a lifetime of accumulation, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task. Remember that the face of exploitation is often a familiar face and it can happen right under your own nose. This is when vultures appear driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers. These unscrupulous mischief makers could be stopped dead in their tracks if only the senior (and their children) had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth and if they had proactively written down on a master list what they perceived to be treasurers – either sentimental or financial.
By writing down these items, then assigning the names to each item for distribution now or at their death, this act would be the most empowering act they could possibly do in addition to having an up-to-date will and other legal documents. This master list should be kept safely with the will.
Often my presentations and writings have this same theme that when seniors have avoided making choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences. When working with seniors, I always recommend that they distribute their treasures personally now or in writing for distribution at death. When the gift is personally made, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient and minimize fighting after they pass away.
Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the grief from the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property. Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise.
In my book, The Boomer Burden – Dealing With Your Parent’s Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, I offer practical, effective steps for liquidating and distributing
parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony
for generations to come.
I address how to:
• divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
• minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
• clear out the family home in ten days or less
• identify potential items of value in the home
• have “that conversation” with your parents
• prepare your own children for the future.
I offer guidance for any executor, heir, or beneficiary, sharing stories as well as helpful checklists of the things that need to be done now and at the time of your loss. For more information, visit www.TheEstateLady.com and www.TheBoomerBurden.com.
About the Author: Julie Hall, known as The Estate Lady®, is a professional estate contents expert and certified personal property appraiser who specializes in estate
liquidation. With more than 17 years of experience with families from
the southeastern , Julie has assisted thousands
of individuals in the daunting and often painful process of managing their
deceased parents’ affairs. Julie is also the owner of The American Society of Estate Liquidators, LLC, which is re-launching in August 2008. It offers curriculum to those who want to learn the business. In addition to her hands-on experience, she is a
speaker to civic groups, retirement communities, churches, and professional
organizations. She has also written a monthly column, “Ask the Estate Lady®.”
Julie resides in with her husband and daughter in Charlotte. Contact her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.